Caution - In Love

In two months I will have been single for a year. That is an honest goal I made for myself. And though the road has been difficult it has been rewarding. I learned that love was not at all what I use to think it was. And it turns out I never really loved anyone in a romantic or passionate way. I loved the people I was in a relationship with because I came to know them so well; I cared for them like any person would when they get to know someone well. The things I liked about them were similar to the things I liked about acquaintances. The way I loved them was in the way I can sometimes appreciate a hot summers day.
My feelings were real; but not what I thought they were. For when we parted ways I was always heartbroken, not at the lose of a person, but at the lack of fulfillment by my side. Anyone could replace them. Another hot summer day could come along and cure that pain. It was never specific to the individual that I had parted with; only the empty space they left behind. I learned to fill that space with, real, hot summer days, and if the day was cold; I'd fill it with the joy of family, and if family was away, I would fill it with the peace of music.
Eventually I discovered that there was never an empty space. I just did not know how to appreciate all that was around me. The pain that caused me was soothed with a selfish placebo in the form of a never satisfying monogamist relationship, with a guy.
Like I said there is no empty space, no gape, no lack of fulfillment. I have learned and am still learning to accept, appreciate, and love the positive in every situation. And to love all of the amazing people, nature, music, and art that is truly everywhere. All you have to do is let your ego go, stop being selfish, stop being scared, and live. Throw yourself off balance and learn from it. It's not always about being balanced but proving that you can balance yourself through anything.
The love I've found is so real and freeing. I will try not to fall back in to my old false belief of love as I fall in love with, nature, family, and friends all over again. And as I fall in love with a person passionately and romantically .. for the first time.      

    

105 street

You find yourself. You find yourself sitting in a Chapters reading a book that costs $9 and some odd charge over the balance in your bank account. Listening to a woman constructively analyze a pyramid of books on a display table below the balcony your sitting at.
Your boss texts you back letting you know that it's ok you haven't checked your email in a few days... Well this is the fourth funeral you've been out of town for in 4 months. All your family. Your bosses brother texts you asking how you are (he wants to hang out, he lives where you're visiting).
How are you? - Just reading a book that is so far very sad. Looking at a LUSH bag with face-mask cream in it. (You shouldn't have bought that-You're so broke).
Plans to take a free kickboxing class at 6... It's 4:45. The people you're staying with aren't home until 5:30. You'll have enough time to run over change into workout clothes before getting picked up. Until then you... What?
Tomorrow morning your grandfather will pick you up from your friends place (you stay in his room, you like this boy) and you go to Timmies before the funeral. Pick up your dog from your mom's house (you are not on good terms with your mom right now). Then you travel 7 hours to home in a truck with your dog and grandfather and a week of memories (you will like that). Next time you come back will be better... You hope.

And So Here I Am Now

There is this thing called 'being changed' that I had always searched for... It turns out that as soon as I decided to stop trying to change, and learn to love who I am, that's when I changed. I'm glad I changed when I did for the old me brought me to this wonderful place in my life. This place where tragedy can hit my world like a tidal wave and leave me standing almost as strong as I was watching it come for me. I'm pleased to say that has a lot to do with becoming a Christian or finding my faith, at least finding myself. I found some unison between my head and my heart for the first time.
I am currently listening to my new favorite artist Taylor Swift, who would have thought!? Haha. She's really working for me right now.
I was in the Hospital yesterday and found out I have Pneumonia. I went in the second day I was sick so we caught it in time to stop it from getting too bad, hopefully. I was at the Hospital for 6-ish hours by myself. What I'm getting at with that is that I wanted to be alone. And not in a sad way. I wasn't sad. It was OK, nice even.
Right now even though it might not be good for my health, I am on the Greyhound to Edmonton. My Great Aunt Vera passed away and her service is tomorrow at 2pm. She had Pneumonia ironically enough. I knew her. But I could have known her better. Still I promised myself I while ago that I would do everything in my power not to miss anymore funerals. I say anymore because I missed my favorite person in the worlds' funeral. And it may be one of the only things I regret. So yes this trip may not speed up my physical health, but it's good for my mental health. 
I've found this magical thing called forgiveness. It is hand in hand with Grace. And they have changed my life for the better. And with every time I show Grace and Forgive (myself or anyone else) I become so much stronger. I actually feel emotional strength. And it has got to be one of the best feelings. But it was not easy to get here I promise you that. And it's not hard to stray. The point is not, to not stray, but to always find your way back. And I am always finding it.