Maybe it's not good how often I self-reflect. But maybe that's just the kind of person I am right now.
I'm sitting here thinking about who I am and what I'm doing with my life: in this moment. Do I enjoy being here? If yes, why? If not, why? What are the pros and cons? The answer is both: I do enjoy being here but there are things I don't like.
I bought a snack mix yesterday. With pretzels and cheesie's and hoops.I want them right now. But they are too far away. I'm at the University and they are in my pantry at home. Oh well.
Boys:
There are boys in my life. A couple of them are pretty awesome. And some of them want to be with me but I don't want that kind of relationship with them. So friendships deteriorate. It's kind of sad. And sometimes when I know a romantic relationship wont work I don't tell them for a few days just so I can say some kind of unspoken goodbye because I know once I break the news, that they will not talk to me anymore. Why is it so difficult for boys and girls to be friends? Silly just silly.
Anyways remember when Facebook NOTES were all the rage? And your friends would tag you in little blog like entry's where they mention you. I just thought of those. No reason. ;)
Monday, April 8, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Caution - In Love
In two months I will have been single for a year. That is an honest goal I made for myself. And though the road has been difficult it has been rewarding. I learned that love was not at all what I use to think it was. And it turns out I never really loved anyone in a romantic or passionate way. I loved the people I was in a relationship with because I came to know them so well; I cared for them like any person would when they get to know someone well. The things I liked about them were similar to the things I liked about acquaintances. The way I loved them was in the way I can sometimes appreciate a hot summers day.
My feelings were real; but not what I thought they were. For when we parted ways I was always heartbroken, not at the lose of a person, but at the lack of fulfillment by my side. Anyone could replace them. Another hot summer day could come along and cure that pain. It was never specific to the individual that I had parted with; only the empty space they left behind. I learned to fill that space with, real, hot summer days, and if the day was cold; I'd fill it with the joy of family, and if family was away, I would fill it with the peace of music.
Eventually I discovered that there was never an empty space. I just did not know how to appreciate all that was around me. The pain that caused me was soothed with a selfish placebo in the form of a never satisfying monogamist relationship, with a guy.
Like I said there is no empty space, no gape, no lack of fulfillment. I have learned and am still learning to accept, appreciate, and love the positive in every situation. And to love all of the amazing people, nature, music, and art that is truly everywhere. All you have to do is let your ego go, stop being selfish, stop being scared, and live. Throw yourself off balance and learn from it. It's not always about being balanced but proving that you can balance yourself through anything.
The love I've found is so real and freeing. I will try not to fall back in to my old false belief of love as I fall in love with, nature, family, and friends all over again. And as I fall in love with a person passionately and romantically .. for the first time.
My feelings were real; but not what I thought they were. For when we parted ways I was always heartbroken, not at the lose of a person, but at the lack of fulfillment by my side. Anyone could replace them. Another hot summer day could come along and cure that pain. It was never specific to the individual that I had parted with; only the empty space they left behind. I learned to fill that space with, real, hot summer days, and if the day was cold; I'd fill it with the joy of family, and if family was away, I would fill it with the peace of music.
Eventually I discovered that there was never an empty space. I just did not know how to appreciate all that was around me. The pain that caused me was soothed with a selfish placebo in the form of a never satisfying monogamist relationship, with a guy.
Like I said there is no empty space, no gape, no lack of fulfillment. I have learned and am still learning to accept, appreciate, and love the positive in every situation. And to love all of the amazing people, nature, music, and art that is truly everywhere. All you have to do is let your ego go, stop being selfish, stop being scared, and live. Throw yourself off balance and learn from it. It's not always about being balanced but proving that you can balance yourself through anything.
The love I've found is so real and freeing. I will try not to fall back in to my old false belief of love as I fall in love with, nature, family, and friends all over again. And as I fall in love with a person passionately and romantically .. for the first time.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Taking Real Action
Enough is enough. I really need to take some more initiative in my life. I take on so much and then get pitied when life happens and I fall behind. I don't want pity but I should just get back up and charge forward no matter what happens. Sometimes the things that happen really suck but there is time in everyday to deal with that. I don't have to deal with it by canceling things and falling behind. I need to build ambition and encouragement for myself in those times. And I need to, some how, manage the amount of things I sign myself up for. Because clearly I can't handle so much. (This is basically a self pep talk).
I have two jobs, but I'm going to get another one. I need to get rid of this stress of paying my rent, bus-pass, utilities. Sometimes it's understandable to ask for help but I need my own safety net. I need to get on it!
I'm getting frustrated... "In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves."
I have two jobs, but I'm going to get another one. I need to get rid of this stress of paying my rent, bus-pass, utilities. Sometimes it's understandable to ask for help but I need my own safety net. I need to get on it!
I'm getting frustrated... "In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves."
Monday, February 25, 2013
105 street
You find yourself. You find yourself sitting in a Chapters reading a book that costs $9 and some odd charge over the balance in your bank account. Listening to a woman constructively analyze a pyramid of books on a display table below the balcony your sitting at.
Your boss texts you back letting you know that it's ok you haven't checked your email in a few days... Well this is the fourth funeral you've been out of town for in 4 months. All your family. Your bosses brother texts you asking how you are (he wants to hang out, he lives where you're visiting).
How are you? - Just reading a book that is so far very sad. Looking at a LUSH bag with face-mask cream in it. (You shouldn't have bought that-You're so broke).
Plans to take a free kickboxing class at 6... It's 4:45. The people you're staying with aren't home until 5:30. You'll have enough time to run over change into workout clothes before getting picked up. Until then you... What?
Tomorrow morning your grandfather will pick you up from your friends place (you stay in his room, you like this boy) and you go to Timmies before the funeral. Pick up your dog from your mom's house (you are not on good terms with your mom right now). Then you travel 7 hours to home in a truck with your dog and grandfather and a week of memories (you will like that). Next time you come back will be better... You hope.
Your boss texts you back letting you know that it's ok you haven't checked your email in a few days... Well this is the fourth funeral you've been out of town for in 4 months. All your family. Your bosses brother texts you asking how you are (he wants to hang out, he lives where you're visiting).
How are you? - Just reading a book that is so far very sad. Looking at a LUSH bag with face-mask cream in it. (You shouldn't have bought that-You're so broke).
Plans to take a free kickboxing class at 6... It's 4:45. The people you're staying with aren't home until 5:30. You'll have enough time to run over change into workout clothes before getting picked up. Until then you... What?
Tomorrow morning your grandfather will pick you up from your friends place (you stay in his room, you like this boy) and you go to Timmies before the funeral. Pick up your dog from your mom's house (you are not on good terms with your mom right now). Then you travel 7 hours to home in a truck with your dog and grandfather and a week of memories (you will like that). Next time you come back will be better... You hope.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Little Bird
A day unlike any other. I got off my bus, thought about going to get a coffee but instead started down the pathway I almost always take to get to my Mon/Wed/Fri morning class. It's a beautiful morning, February 8th 2013, no snow and not a cloud in the sky. I hear a "bang" and turn to my right to see a pigeon slowly flutter down to the grass below the library window it had flown into. I stop and stair at it a moment. I decided I would go see if it was OK. A split second after my decision two magpies fly over to it and instantly started picking on it. By then I was not walking over but running. The magpies flew from me but the pigeon was not the least bit startled by my presence. The little bird just looked up at me. I bent down and picked him up. "Don't touch that wild bird, it could have diseases" were the words of my mother, grandmother, and other voices in my head speaking to me that I recollected from my childhood. But having worked at a pet store for long enough to know how to take safe precautions I scooped it up into my arms anyways. I could tell that he was not well. He did fly into a window and was terrorized by two other birds!
Inside I knew right away that this bird was not going to make it, and I had class in 15 minutes. Suddenly the bird stretched its wings and flew a strong sturdy flight away from me. I watched it for a bit in hopes that I would see it disappear into the sunrise. But then it tried twice to land in a tree not too far away and ended up on the ground below the tree. I was going to leave it be and it would be OK or die in peace but then I notice a dozen magpies starting over to where the pigeon had landed. My heart stopped and without having to think about it I found myself running across the open field to the scene. I noticed a gentlemen walking by who saw the magpies ganging up on this poor bird and he was approaching them not sure of what to do. Just then I dove into the scene and liberated the pigeon from the bullying of the flock. I picked it up again and headed to entrance of the school closest to my class. Realizing that bringing a hurt pigeon with possible "diseases" into a University might not go over well, I walked to the window of my class. I saw a classmate, see saw my with the pigeon, and she came to the entrance. I explained what happened. I told her "I know it is going to die, but I can't let it die that way". He then sat outside with me for a little while until we walked over to the classroom window again to see if our professor was in the class yet. We saw him enter and then got his attention, he saw the bird and came to the entrance as my classmate did before. My classmate headed to class while I told my professor what had happened and how I couldn't just let this bird die from being attached like that. He said something about how class was going to start soon and he didn't know what to do. I thought he meant ' Come to class and let the bird go and die or miss class and deal with it.' But then I realized that he meant was 'We need to put this bird somewhere safe to pass away or at least be safe until class is done so we can figure it out'. So we went down to a room not bring used and placed the little bird in a box with some fabric covered it and went to class. When we got out of class him and I both went to go check on the bird. It had passed away. It looked sound and comfortable. He seemed surprised that it had passed but I knew it would. It had gone through a lethargic state. And working at the pet store I remember trying to save many birds and what it looks like to know they won't make it. We first went and found a shovel. We then went to the shop where I made the little bird a wooden box casket and sealed the little bird in it. That way I could bury it with out knowing that something would digit up and undo the work and affection in burying it in the first place. My professor asked me in the shop if I was OK to do the rest my self. I was honestly surprised he had shown so much care and understanding for what was going on and how I felt in the first place. He headed to his commitments and I took the shovel and the little bird secure in it's box to a cluster of trees and bushes in the coolies and I buried it there with a description on the box that said "Rest In Peace, Little Bird. Feb, 8th/2013 ". Maybe it would have been justified to leave that bird to pass away, by what some would consider naturally, by the food-chain/the viscous circle of life. Or I could have killed it myself to save it any possible prolonged suffering. But I could do neither. So I showed the little bird the heart I know and affection I have. I loved that bird even only knowing it a short while. And from the moment that little bird looked up at me, below the library window, I know it knew that I would keep it safe until it was time for it to go. It did not flail in my arms, or squawk, or yell. It sat quietly struggling only to get from life to death.
This day has shown me so many things. So many amazing things. :)
Inside I knew right away that this bird was not going to make it, and I had class in 15 minutes. Suddenly the bird stretched its wings and flew a strong sturdy flight away from me. I watched it for a bit in hopes that I would see it disappear into the sunrise. But then it tried twice to land in a tree not too far away and ended up on the ground below the tree. I was going to leave it be and it would be OK or die in peace but then I notice a dozen magpies starting over to where the pigeon had landed. My heart stopped and without having to think about it I found myself running across the open field to the scene. I noticed a gentlemen walking by who saw the magpies ganging up on this poor bird and he was approaching them not sure of what to do. Just then I dove into the scene and liberated the pigeon from the bullying of the flock. I picked it up again and headed to entrance of the school closest to my class. Realizing that bringing a hurt pigeon with possible "diseases" into a University might not go over well, I walked to the window of my class. I saw a classmate, see saw my with the pigeon, and she came to the entrance. I explained what happened. I told her "I know it is going to die, but I can't let it die that way". He then sat outside with me for a little while until we walked over to the classroom window again to see if our professor was in the class yet. We saw him enter and then got his attention, he saw the bird and came to the entrance as my classmate did before. My classmate headed to class while I told my professor what had happened and how I couldn't just let this bird die from being attached like that. He said something about how class was going to start soon and he didn't know what to do. I thought he meant ' Come to class and let the bird go and die or miss class and deal with it.' But then I realized that he meant was 'We need to put this bird somewhere safe to pass away or at least be safe until class is done so we can figure it out'. So we went down to a room not bring used and placed the little bird in a box with some fabric covered it and went to class. When we got out of class him and I both went to go check on the bird. It had passed away. It looked sound and comfortable. He seemed surprised that it had passed but I knew it would. It had gone through a lethargic state. And working at the pet store I remember trying to save many birds and what it looks like to know they won't make it. We first went and found a shovel. We then went to the shop where I made the little bird a wooden box casket and sealed the little bird in it. That way I could bury it with out knowing that something would digit up and undo the work and affection in burying it in the first place. My professor asked me in the shop if I was OK to do the rest my self. I was honestly surprised he had shown so much care and understanding for what was going on and how I felt in the first place. He headed to his commitments and I took the shovel and the little bird secure in it's box to a cluster of trees and bushes in the coolies and I buried it there with a description on the box that said "Rest In Peace, Little Bird. Feb, 8th/2013 ". Maybe it would have been justified to leave that bird to pass away, by what some would consider naturally, by the food-chain/the viscous circle of life. Or I could have killed it myself to save it any possible prolonged suffering. But I could do neither. So I showed the little bird the heart I know and affection I have. I loved that bird even only knowing it a short while. And from the moment that little bird looked up at me, below the library window, I know it knew that I would keep it safe until it was time for it to go. It did not flail in my arms, or squawk, or yell. It sat quietly struggling only to get from life to death.
This day has shown me so many things. So many amazing things. :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Asking for Help and saying Thank You
Today was a rough day. But it could have been more difficult. Sometimes it feels like life has really restricting opportunities. And other days it feels like life is full of such freedom and promise. Turns out both are true.
God really showed up for me today. Obviously he is always there but he was really tangible today. And it doesn't always feel like that's the case.
Lately my bestfriend (from Lethbridge) Ryan has been down. Which in turn can make me down. But here's the thing;our friendship - any friendship- is a relationship. And that means you have to work through difficulties in life together. So I think I'll work on that a bit more.
Did I mention that Taylor Swift if my favorite thing right now? Because she really is. Adelle will always be my foundation but Taylor is like the sparkle on the beautiful base coat... you know?! That's how I feel anyways.
I talked to my grandmother today and it was wonderful. I love this woman. She said some of the best things to me. Like "Always pay yourself first! Even if it's only $5, every time you get payed." I think that's an interesting and admirable guideline to have see you through life. I love her so much. When she was talking to me today I just started to jot down all the quarky, witty, and wise things she was telling me. It was delightful.
One of my roommates said she was going to move out. Thankfully Ryan and I found someone to take her room ASAP. Josh our good friend. I hope he does end up taking it. He is fun and wonderful. And I trust him not to kill me in my sleep. He just needs to make sure he can afford it.
The Love List goes up in a couple weeks. I'm very excited to get the walls and door and floor down for the show! Set/props designing is pretty sweet. I do enjoy it a lot.
Well I'm going to take a Gravol so that I can fall asleep. This medication for my Pneumonia keeps me away for way to long, it is time to take action.
Thank God for the people and perspective in my life.
God really showed up for me today. Obviously he is always there but he was really tangible today. And it doesn't always feel like that's the case.
Lately my bestfriend (from Lethbridge) Ryan has been down. Which in turn can make me down. But here's the thing;our friendship - any friendship- is a relationship. And that means you have to work through difficulties in life together. So I think I'll work on that a bit more.
Did I mention that Taylor Swift if my favorite thing right now? Because she really is. Adelle will always be my foundation but Taylor is like the sparkle on the beautiful base coat... you know?! That's how I feel anyways.
I talked to my grandmother today and it was wonderful. I love this woman. She said some of the best things to me. Like "Always pay yourself first! Even if it's only $5, every time you get payed." I think that's an interesting and admirable guideline to have see you through life. I love her so much. When she was talking to me today I just started to jot down all the quarky, witty, and wise things she was telling me. It was delightful.
One of my roommates said she was going to move out. Thankfully Ryan and I found someone to take her room ASAP. Josh our good friend. I hope he does end up taking it. He is fun and wonderful. And I trust him not to kill me in my sleep. He just needs to make sure he can afford it.
The Love List goes up in a couple weeks. I'm very excited to get the walls and door and floor down for the show! Set/props designing is pretty sweet. I do enjoy it a lot.
Well I'm going to take a Gravol so that I can fall asleep. This medication for my Pneumonia keeps me away for way to long, it is time to take action.
Thank God for the people and perspective in my life.
Friday, January 11, 2013
And So Here I Am Now
There is this thing called 'being changed' that I had always searched for... It turns out that as soon as I decided to stop trying to change, and learn to love who I am, that's when I changed. I'm glad I changed when I did for the old me brought me to this wonderful place in my life. This place where tragedy can hit my world like a tidal wave and leave me standing almost as strong as I was watching it come for me. I'm pleased to say that has a lot to do with becoming a Christian or finding my faith, at least finding myself. I found some unison between my head and my heart for the first time.
I am currently listening to my new favorite artist Taylor Swift, who would have thought!? Haha. She's really working for me right now.
I was in the Hospital yesterday and found out I have Pneumonia. I went in the second day I was sick so we caught it in time to stop it from getting too bad, hopefully. I was at the Hospital for 6-ish hours by myself. What I'm getting at with that is that I wanted to be alone. And not in a sad way. I wasn't sad. It was OK, nice even.
Right now even though it might not be good for my health, I am on the Greyhound to Edmonton. My Great Aunt Vera passed away and her service is tomorrow at 2pm. She had Pneumonia ironically enough. I knew her. But I could have known her better. Still I promised myself I while ago that I would do everything in my power not to miss anymore funerals. I say anymore because I missed my favorite person in the worlds' funeral. And it may be one of the only things I regret. So yes this trip may not speed up my physical health, but it's good for my mental health.
I've found this magical thing called forgiveness. It is hand in hand with Grace. And they have changed my life for the better. And with every time I show Grace and Forgive (myself or anyone else) I become so much stronger. I actually feel emotional strength. And it has got to be one of the best feelings. But it was not easy to get here I promise you that. And it's not hard to stray. The point is not, to not stray, but to always find your way back. And I am always finding it.
I am currently listening to my new favorite artist Taylor Swift, who would have thought!? Haha. She's really working for me right now.
I was in the Hospital yesterday and found out I have Pneumonia. I went in the second day I was sick so we caught it in time to stop it from getting too bad, hopefully. I was at the Hospital for 6-ish hours by myself. What I'm getting at with that is that I wanted to be alone. And not in a sad way. I wasn't sad. It was OK, nice even.
Right now even though it might not be good for my health, I am on the Greyhound to Edmonton. My Great Aunt Vera passed away and her service is tomorrow at 2pm. She had Pneumonia ironically enough. I knew her. But I could have known her better. Still I promised myself I while ago that I would do everything in my power not to miss anymore funerals. I say anymore because I missed my favorite person in the worlds' funeral. And it may be one of the only things I regret. So yes this trip may not speed up my physical health, but it's good for my mental health.
I've found this magical thing called forgiveness. It is hand in hand with Grace. And they have changed my life for the better. And with every time I show Grace and Forgive (myself or anyone else) I become so much stronger. I actually feel emotional strength. And it has got to be one of the best feelings. But it was not easy to get here I promise you that. And it's not hard to stray. The point is not, to not stray, but to always find your way back. And I am always finding it.
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